Shame: Stepping out of the darkness

Let’s talk about Shame

person putting palm on face while holding prayer beads

In church, we talk a lot about sin and finding forgiveness and about guilt and being cleansed. But how often do we talk about shame? Not very much.

In fact, I believe we often feel compelled to cling onto shame. We believe we’ve been forgiven and are grateful for it, but shame about our past or present remains. The question is – should it?

What is shame?

Shame can often be lumped in with guilt. The truth is, it is an even deeper pandemic than guilt, for it accompanies not just to those things you have done, but those things you have experienced. Shame is feelings of unworthiness, falling short of your own expectations or those of someone else. Feeling less than. If you have any applied any of the following vocabulary to yourself, then you have experienced shame:

Weak, Rejected, Inferior, Embarrassed, A Failure, Inadequate, Humiliated, Different, Ignored, Ridiculed, A Loser, Unclean, Defiled, Filthy, An Outcast, Dishonoured, Worthless, Disgusting, Repulsive, Useless, Unlovable.

‘Adam’ as an example of shame

In my debut novel (watch this space), we meet Adam: The Adam who first sinned and sent all of humankind into a spiral of guilt and shame. I portray Adam as living under a curse – not just the curse of the land, which came about as the product of his sin, but also the curse of shame.

He cannot bear the burden of humiliation that goes hand in hand with his guilt. It affects every aspect of his life. It affects his life with Eve, his ability to work the land, the way he interacts (or doesn’t) with God and – catastrophically – his relationship with his son, Cain.

Now, I’m speculating – creating my own version of Adam in a fictional account of Genesis 4. But I find it very hard to believe that someone with the first-ever sin on his shoulders didn’t also carry shame. Why?

Nakedness

In the Bible, nakedness is metaphorical for shame. At the very beginning are these words, ‘The man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.’ (Genesis 2:25)

Then, what happens after they disobey God? ‘And [Adam] said, ‘I heard the sound of you [God] in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself.’ (Genesis 3:10)

Whether you believe in a literal creation account or not is besides the point, the meaning is clear. Shame entered the world as soon as people disobeyed God, and it immediately made them run from him.

A classic ‘Blurt-out’

Shame always causes embarrassment, that reddening of our cheeks every time we think of something. Often we deal with this by blame shifting, whether in our mind or out loud.

Consider Adam’s words to the Lord in Genesis 3:12 “The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me the fruit of the tree, and I ate.”

Did you notice the word in bold, and what it means? Adam didn’t just blame Eve for the fact he ate the fruit; he blamed God! ‘You gave the woman to me, and she gave me the fruit – it is your fault, God!’

Wow.

What a blurt-out. How does one get over that?

How shame can cling to us.

Now, I have a terrible memory. I rarely remember good moments. But do you know what I never forget? Humiliating moments. My own blurt-outs: things that I should never have said, which filled me with horror the moment they left my mouth. The relationships that were affected by those blurt-outs, in some cases, never quite recovered because of the lingering shame.

The thing about shame is: it is unrelenting. Shame clings to us, whether we are guilty or not.

Shame and Hidden Sins

Often, the things we feel shame about are things we do, perhaps repeatedly, that we don’t want anyone else to find out about: Addiction. Over-eating. Under-eating. Sexual fantasy. Verbal fantasy (those imaginary conversations you keep having in your head). The list could go on and on.

Hidden things might not bother our conscience immediately, until they are accompanied by fear. If they find out, then I’ll feel shame: crippling, humiliating shame. Yet, shame lingers in the background, gradually wrapping its spindly fingers around our throat. The longer the sin goes on, the more it chokes us.

And the feeling of unworthiness? It stays.

I want to conjecture that it is perfectly possible to receive forgiveness for sins (this is a given if you are trusting in Jesus) and to know in your mind that you are free from the guilt of those sins, and yet, still be crippled by the shame of them. Long after you’ve managed to stop – if you ever do.

Shame and suffering

In addition to shame about sin, it is possible, in fact inevitable, that you will be carrying shame about things done to you. From the humiliation of not being picked for the football team, to the abasement of being shunned every day for the colour of your skin, right through to the degradation of a sexual assault, shame is the prevailing feeling that accompanies human existence.

In some cultures, shame is often prevalent – your experience can bring shame on your entire family and everyone will know about it. In ours, we are expected to ‘deal with it’, so we push it down and the result is a mental health pandemic. Depression, pathological anxiety, anger, anorexia, addiction, self-harm, suicide.

However, even if you wouldn’t class yourself as having any of these things, there is no avoiding shame. And we come to believe that everything our mind tells us is true. That we are unworthy, filthy, different to everyone else. Positive affirmation may help us cope for a time, but no amount of it will deal with the heart of the problem.

What about God?

Ed Welch, in his excellent book Shame interrupted, says this, ‘When you receive reproach from the community, you can easily believe that God himself joins those many voices, though he certainly does not.’

Do you believe that? Or have your past experiences left you believing that God sees you as others do? We are told so often that we are unworthy – and in the case of sin, it is true – but we should only own that which is ours. Our sufferings do not contribute to our unworthiness in the sight of God. In fact, they do the opposite. Bible history teaches us that God has a particular interest in the weak, the poor and the marginalised. He loves what the world deems unlovely.

And – Here’s the thing.

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.”
Galatians 5:1, NIV.

Can you imagine anything more shameful than being falsely accused, beaten, mocked, scorned, stripped naked and crucified – when you are innocent? Jesus went through this. At the cross he did not just bear our sins, he bore the shame of the worst that humanity could throw at him. And he did it so that you don’t have to.

“Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising its shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.” (Hebrews 12:2, ESV)

If we hold onto our shame in secret, pushing it down and trying to cope with it on our own, we continue to walk in the darkness. And in this, we run the risk of cheapening Christ’s sacrifice for us. Because Jesus died to set you free.

Not just to save you and redeem you, but to cleanse you, to free you, to clothe your naked, shameful body in righteousness. You do not have to carry the shame of your sins or your sufferings anymore. You do not have to hide in the darkness, feeling terrified that someone will find you out. Step into the light – claim Jesus!

Image of a bridge with light at the end.

What if I keep on sinning?

When I say ‘claim Jesus’, I don’t mean you should proudly do things you know are wrong. I mean you should own your wrongdoing, dump it at the foot of Jesus’ cross and leave it there. As Martin Luther famously said, “sin boldly!” He didn’t mean boldly go on sinning, but rather boldly accept that you are a sinner, stop trying to do penance and take all your shame to Jesus.

Nothing you can do can make God love you less and nothing you can do can make God love you more. He has already loved you with an everlasting love. He has already paid the ultimate sacrifice for you. If you claim Jesus, you can be assured that he will never treat you the way the rest of the world does.

And, if you are struggling to leave things at the cross because you keep repeating the same sin? Don’t suffer in silence, tell someone you trust.

Know that Jesus does not want you to live in fear.

Shame in church

Now, I’m not an expert in this. God is not done with me yet; there is an awful lot I still need to learn. But I have experienced freedom in Christ since I have determined to step into the light.

“If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ cleanses us from all sin.”
1 John 1:6-7, ESV.

Can you imagine how much our fellowships would be blessed if we started boldly dropping our shame? If we stood up and were real with one another, confessing humiliating sins as well as ‘normal/ok ones’ (by the way, these don’t exist – it’s a category the church seems to have made up for itself.)

Imagine if we asked for prayer about all the things we dare not own up to right now? Or the things we feel weighing upon us everyday but haven’t told anyone about? Oh, it would take a lot of getting used to! But wouldn’t it be liberating?

A poem about Shame

The poem below is about a shame battle I have had in my life. It’s vague because, despite what I just said, I don’t feel quite ready to plaster my sins all over the internet. This poem acknowledges what our hearts often tell us:

The light can hurt.
We often expect punishment for our record of wrongs.
We sometimes doubt that Jesus has done enough to carry our shame or
We doubt that God still loves us.

Yet the truth is laid out for us in scripture:

Although the light might burn at first, God is there. “I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, ‘Do not fear; I will help you.’ “(Isaiah 41:13, NIV)
As for our record of debt? “This he set aside, nailing it to the cross.” (Colossians 2:14, ESV)
Jesus has done enough. Jesus bore not just our sins, but also our shame, on the cross. And he rose victorious. There is nothing more he could have done. It was the greatest sacrifice, followed by the ultimate victory. (Hebrews 12:2 quoted above)
Furthermore, “hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” (Romans 5:5, ESV).

So, do you believe it? Will you claim this promise: “the one who trusts in him will never be put to shame?” (1 Peter 2:6, NIV).

I’m not suggesting it will be easy. The sad truth is that many of us will continue to battle shame our entire lives. Additionally, there will be many in the church that just aren’t ready for it. But…

Let’s start a conversation

Rather than shoving shame under the carpet, can we at least talk about it? Hold a conversation that acknowledges that we all once walked in darkness, that none of us naturally feel comfortable in the light, but that Jesus died to set us free?

Can we challenge each other not to accept mortifying fear as a normal part of Christian life, but to boldly claim the cleansing blood of Jesus?

Will you journey with me? Will you step into the light?

SHAME

The early evening shadow lengthens the dark places of my mind,
Pulling back on the lens of disgrace. 
Clouding a day spent happily in the sun,
Promising to occupy the night to come.

I love you. I’ve heard it every day of my life, 
accepted it, I think, and yet –
Can it be true? Should there not be a consequence 
of the rejection I chose when living in sin?
A confiscation of that which I loved more than Him?

The light, suddenly switched on, burns from retina to spine. 
Turn it back off: I cannot go there.
I will stay in my despair, where the familiar covers the flame
with broad brushstrokes of oily paint, 
daubing the mistakes gone before
in compliance and restraint. 

The day comes: crawling out of early morning shadows to face it,
They diminish as circumstance, familiarity, routine 
and endless smiling faces crowd around, 
forcing the darkness to retreat 
back into its haven of humiliation
(until the faces are faded, and
I’m alone with imagination.)

I’m coping, when – into the daylight – a word intrudes. 
Causing a flush: a scraping of fingernails 
upon the blackboard of my soul
as the assurance written there is marred 
in vertical smudges of distortion. 
Block it out. Smile it off – did anyone see?
They have all moved on, 
none discovering the fear under the glee.
 
Breathe.

Child, my child, my little one.
Why do you doubt my words?
What more could I have possibly done?
Step back into the light. Declare it. Discharge it. 
Trust me. For you, freedom was won.

© Natasha Woodcraft 2022

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Want to explore this topic further? I would thoroughly recommend the book “Shame interrupted”, available here.

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English Standard Version Anglicised (ESVUK)

New International Version (NIV)

Images: Jeffjacobs1990 and Larisa-K , courtesy of pixabay.com. Featured photo by Omar Alnahi on Pexels.com